I started this on a closed facebook page for writers. This is the post.
I have almost as much a fear of success as I do of failure, and it often keeps me from moving in any direction. I think it’s because for writers success means people reading your work, which can be very personal.
I’ll be honest–this is as much a reason for my lack of blog posting as anything else. It’s terror of people reading my thoughts and that terror is there even though I have maybe one person visiting my two blog sites a week, and, lately, very few sales. I rarely hold back in my writing and when I do I get angry with myself. But putting myself into my work is exposure. Anna Nalick explains this best in Breathe (2 am)
Two AM and I’m still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
‘Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to.
Mind you, by putting this here I am, literally, using her words however I want to.
The thing is, I don’t know how to not write. It feels to me like communication through the written word is part of my DNA and as the world moves on and methods of communication through the internet becomes wider, it becomes almost compulsive. I am on facebook multiple times every day. And fiction, for me, is a great way to “illustrate” my thoughts and emotions. Some of that is subconscious, and it takes a book or two before I realize that I’ve been working out some things.
And that makes it even scarier.
I also tend to write my books in a bubble. I write what I think and feel, and I try to understand others’ thoughts and feelings by delving into the heads of other characters. It is so much a thinking process for me and I love it. I really do. There is nothing in the world like it. But then I have to come out and I have to share it and suddenly I realize that I had written no-holds-barred and what I put out there is me. I am partly afraid of rejection, but I am also just afraid of people knowing me. It’s an introvert thing, which I have yet to be able to explain fully.
Obviously I have found the courage to publish the work, both through a brick and mortar house and through the indie world. That much I can find the courage to do. What I have a difficult time doing is promoting it. Promoting for me is not just standing in front of a crowd naked, it’s yelling, “Hey look at me! I’m naked! You know you gotta see this. You’ll love it.” Totally terrifying.
But. . .I am determined to do it. This week, even. I’m moving forward on newsletter writing, and giving away a free book (details later) and finding newsletter subscribers, and maybe posting some excerpts here. Just know, anybody who reads this, it is terrifying for me and for many writers. Writing and publishing are acts of courage.